Mar 15, 2012
Simon & Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence
Harmonies that feed my spirit well...Nothing's more beautiful to listen to than voices in harmony, I think.
Mar 14, 2012
Move over
If love isn't involved, then it's nothing, or pain.
Nothing to the one who wants, (needs?) it to be nothing,
and pain to the one who wants, (needs?) it to be something.
Who'd settle for nothing?
Who'd want someone who didn't want them back?
Gaa how embarrassing that is. How embarrassed I am. Fragile, uncovered, exposed, standing naked in the kitchen with the lights on and unexpected company... squeeeeeeeeeeee, oh mother...climbing into a cabinets with the pots and pans. Some things are just too painful to cop to, but I have to.
I am ashamed that I let go so entirely, because I didn't take care of myself. What's wrong with a person who doesn't take care of self? I'm still not sure, but I aim to figure it out and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with valuing self. I have to figure out what went all screwy in my brain to cause me to throw myself under the bus, I mean at another human. Bare assed that's what I was, and witless. I have to protect myself from my own foolish behavior, not someone elses, my own. Damn.
I think it's embarrassing because it cuts through the facade...the covering that says, I've got it together holistically, I didn't, don't...I don't think anyone really has it all together, all of the time. We all have strengths and weaknesses, to examine.
So I'm flat lined. I've conveniently forgotten where I was.
Nothing to the one who wants, (needs?) it to be nothing,
and pain to the one who wants, (needs?) it to be something.
Who'd settle for nothing?
Who'd want someone who didn't want them back?
Gaa how embarrassing that is. How embarrassed I am. Fragile, uncovered, exposed, standing naked in the kitchen with the lights on and unexpected company... squeeeeeeeeeeee, oh mother...climbing into a cabinets with the pots and pans. Some things are just too painful to cop to, but I have to.
I am ashamed that I let go so entirely, because I didn't take care of myself. What's wrong with a person who doesn't take care of self? I'm still not sure, but I aim to figure it out and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with valuing self. I have to figure out what went all screwy in my brain to cause me to throw myself under the bus, I mean at another human. Bare assed that's what I was, and witless. I have to protect myself from my own foolish behavior, not someone elses, my own. Damn.
I think it's embarrassing because it cuts through the facade...the covering that says, I've got it together holistically, I didn't, don't...I don't think anyone really has it all together, all of the time. We all have strengths and weaknesses, to examine.
So I'm flat lined. I've conveniently forgotten where I was.
Mar 13, 2012
Really good advice
Don't coast...even if you know you can, unless you're sick, and then you can only coast temporarily...once you feel better, hit it.
You don't have to hit it HARD, like desperately, just hit it, so that the results are always better than they were the day before...There's pride in that. A "good" pride in knowing that you strive to create improvement, even when you could coast.
Earning your money, but it's really not entirely monetary, it's emotional, emotionally fulfilling.
A life with purpose, and it's the right thing to do.
A life with truth:
If you don't know something, don't pretend like you do, be honest, cop to it. "I've hit a wall." Then ask, read, do, whatever it takes to learn...
Good advice...thanks Dad
I don't know how to do this single, free female thing entirely yet. I have to cop to it, but I do think in these last couple of years, I've managed to reexamine some of the things that have happened and I've learned from them.
At times it's been dark, and frightening.
Some of the things...the things I feared, they happened, but I'm still standing.
I admit it, I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm learning.
I want one mate, I don't swap, swing or cheat, those things are foreign to me, for me, my truth, but if you like em, then that's your business, not mine and I don't judge you, wont judge you, because I just know that for me they would, or could bring me pain, and them too. Thanks but no thanks.
I want One mate who is a man of importance in my life, and I want to be a woman of importance in one man's life, and I want it to be a bond of love, not love/hate, but love/respect. Yeah.
I like to paint in my underwear and eat cereal for dinner, sometimes. I like to hang with my sisters, when I want and travel the roads to places I've never been and places I've been too. I like to sing at the top of my lunges in the bath, and dance late at night when no one's watching. I like to go to the river, no matter the season and just sit and listen to it roll. I like to hang in nature, lay in a field and look at the stars, or sit on the front porch, or back and just be, and trash a tent or two, too. I like to visit art museums and places that touch me spiritually...and I love to listen to live music being played, and I love it when I'm not feeling any pain.
I love to love.
You don't have to hit it HARD, like desperately, just hit it, so that the results are always better than they were the day before...There's pride in that. A "good" pride in knowing that you strive to create improvement, even when you could coast.
Earning your money, but it's really not entirely monetary, it's emotional, emotionally fulfilling.
A life with purpose, and it's the right thing to do.
A life with truth:
If you don't know something, don't pretend like you do, be honest, cop to it. "I've hit a wall." Then ask, read, do, whatever it takes to learn...
Good advice...thanks Dad
I don't know how to do this single, free female thing entirely yet. I have to cop to it, but I do think in these last couple of years, I've managed to reexamine some of the things that have happened and I've learned from them.
At times it's been dark, and frightening.
Some of the things...the things I feared, they happened, but I'm still standing.
I admit it, I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm learning.
I want one mate, I don't swap, swing or cheat, those things are foreign to me, for me, my truth, but if you like em, then that's your business, not mine and I don't judge you, wont judge you, because I just know that for me they would, or could bring me pain, and them too. Thanks but no thanks.
I want One mate who is a man of importance in my life, and I want to be a woman of importance in one man's life, and I want it to be a bond of love, not love/hate, but love/respect. Yeah.
I like to paint in my underwear and eat cereal for dinner, sometimes. I like to hang with my sisters, when I want and travel the roads to places I've never been and places I've been too. I like to sing at the top of my lunges in the bath, and dance late at night when no one's watching. I like to go to the river, no matter the season and just sit and listen to it roll. I like to hang in nature, lay in a field and look at the stars, or sit on the front porch, or back and just be, and trash a tent or two, too. I like to visit art museums and places that touch me spiritually...and I love to listen to live music being played, and I love it when I'm not feeling any pain.
I love to love.
Mar 11, 2012
Sage's first birthday ever...
Mar 8, 2012
Atypical
Mainstream? To an extent, truthfully, more of an extent than I imagined...no, no, believed, than I believed I was,, I am, somewhat mainstream, or am I?
I have idealized notions filling space in my head, self created, authentic, me, my, yes, mine. They live there, waiting to be realized,
and I'm not dead
yet.
I've got some really strong ideas about how I'd like to live my life. While the conceptual notion is as ideal as you can imagine it to be, more ideal than reality, still yet, reality can resemble the conceptual notion closely,
if you can imagine it.
Push it, push it higher.
We are all different, and still the same too.
Unsettling, it was.
It crawled up in my mind all day long, sucking my attention from the mundane a catalyst for me to examine my motives again, yet again.
What makes me do what I do, live this life, this particular way? What fuels my cell? What get's me fired up? And more pressing, what am I secreting? 50 % energy? 50 % char? No no no. What am I exuding, putting out there? How does he, she, read me?
Do I care?
There's a lesson there, I'm sure of it.
My truth. I know the truth for me.
I have idealized notions filling space in my head, self created, authentic, me, my, yes, mine. They live there, waiting to be realized,
and I'm not dead
yet.
I've got some really strong ideas about how I'd like to live my life. While the conceptual notion is as ideal as you can imagine it to be, more ideal than reality, still yet, reality can resemble the conceptual notion closely,
if you can imagine it.
Push it, push it higher.
We are all different, and still the same too.
Unsettling, it was.
It crawled up in my mind all day long, sucking my attention from the mundane a catalyst for me to examine my motives again, yet again.
What makes me do what I do, live this life, this particular way? What fuels my cell? What get's me fired up? And more pressing, what am I secreting? 50 % energy? 50 % char? No no no. What am I exuding, putting out there? How does he, she, read me?
Do I care?
There's a lesson there, I'm sure of it.
My truth. I know the truth for me.
Mar 7, 2012
It's spreading...
Metal fuel cell too.
Student BioChars...The first one is really tiny and puts out less heat than a candle, oh almost. He wanted to make a small one first, as a model.
The second BioChar is still leather hard and drying. It's not all that pretty but I'd say it'll probably heat like a mother, we'll see.
Mar 3, 2012
Visuals galore
I've always wanted to embrace everyone in a healing meld, not that I'm a healer, but emotionally I think we're meant to help each other along in that way, and touch seems to be the most effective form of healing, even emotional wounds. I think we heal ourselves, we have to take responsibility for that, but we benefit most from the help of human kindness, that we bring to each other. I think.
Mar 2, 2012
Losing the fence
I'll be a little more careful about the words I choose to string together...Well blow me away...that's not even what I meant, I meant serendipity, and the quote I found, it struck a cord and affirmed, or made me feel like I'm headed in the right direction, but I know that to be true anyway, it's my truth, it's more closely aligned with the way I want to live, so I don't really need validation for it from outside sources...
"The ancients knew this would be the time of the "awakening"... It's when the info from the past re-surfaces as we move forward into our future..." Daniel "Whellan" Doud
Reviving old techniques that proved sound then and are still sound now, techniques that will save money and will improve the quality of our physical lives, and the life of the earth we spin on, ever so slowly, the spinning.
Tornadoes freak me out, and I'm partly thankful I slept through it, and I'm definitely thankful that Sam was with his dad that night. The tornado warnings slipped my mind. I'd been watching the weather at lunch on Monday and Tuesday, I knew that it was a possibility, and I let the information just go...somewhere. I can't do that when Sam's gonna be with me, and it's really best if I don't do it when I'm alone too, I know.
The tornado, it was so close, but left me sleeping in my bed unaware. Surreal.
I'm grateful to be alive.
Mitch, thinking that he needed to come over and make sure I was safe, by, I don't know? Getting in to the bathtub...where else would I go in this place? Knowing I'd most likely be passed out from my tylenol pms if Sam wasn't here, got in his car and drove right into a tornado to make sure I was okay. I hope he never does that again. Ever.
thank you God again for his safe landing.
and one person died, a mother, of three children, who was trying to open the door to the storm shelter. I pray for the repose of her spirit, and I pray that she didn't feel any pain, and I pray that she is in a safe place right now surrounded by love, and I pray for her children, and I mourn for her in a generic way because I didn't know her, but I do know her, because I am a woman too, and that mourning is specific, and so difficult not to feel when I let myself feel. The light and the dark. Does it really create a balance?
I know I'm lucky, we are lucky, and lucky is such a trite word, that can in no way describe how I feel right now, and it implies that I should feel celebratory, but feeling glad for my life while someone else lost theirs makes me feel sick inside, mother, mother please don't kill anyone else. I know it's your nature to be cruel sometimes, I know it's always been that way, but please, no more death right now. And I ask that knowing that natural acts will always take us, and all we can do is be better prepared, and I also feel that sometimes no amount of preparation can prevent nature from taking life.
My son was driving over to my house in the middle of a tornado because he knew that I would sleep right through it, and I did. When he called me at midnight fifteen, not realizing we were in a tornado, I was annoyed that he'd called.
Me: "What?"
He: "Mom are you alright? I mean you'll be alright now, man my head hurts, were you asleep?"
Me: "Yeah, it's midnight, of course I was asleep, why does your head hurt?"
He: "I just drove through a f ing tornado, it picked me up, spun me around and high centered me on somethin' and blew out all of my windows, I'm a little f ed up right now mom."
Me: "Where are you?"
He: "At Jessie's, I came to make sure you were okay and almost killed myself, but I'm alive, oh hell yes, I'm alive...I road a tornado...."
Me: "Is there anything I can do? To help you...what do you need for me to do?"
He: "When you get up in the morning don't just go stompin' out of the house, there's power lines down, and be ready, things looked pretty f ed up from here.
Me: "Okay. Love you."
He: "Love you too mom, go back to sleep."
Then it hit me, after Mike called, and Tracey called and Megan called and Rachel called, so I called him back and freaked out a little, because he could have been killed...and I told him I loved him again because I can't tell them that enough sometimes.
And this is one of those times.
This is where the tornado touched down, four tenths of a mile from my home. It was that close. Mitch drove right into the center of it.
Houses on the hill.
The once restaurant and now used to be feed store on the corner.
A house from the other side of the road.
Power lines stretched across my driveway and the Church sign is no more.
Minimal roof damage, that I tried to tarp on my own. Not my most intelligent idea ever, especially since I fell off of the ladder, before I even got close to the roof, but mostly since Sam and Arik had already volunteered to do it, but it looked like it was gonna rain and I really thought I could do it myself. Gaa, it was so windy, and I was on a rickety old eight foot ladder. When I knew I was going, you know, you always know when you're goin' down...I managed to step down one rung, and that was all...I let escape from my mouth a most heinous word, when I touched down, ever so hard, and then looked around in shame to see if anyone had seen or heard me. It could have been a lot worse, meaning, I'm sore but I'll live.
Trailers used to live all along that hill, it was a nice trailer park with flowers and kids in the yard...
If I can figure out how to pull out all of those posts, that fence is out a here. I've never liked fences anyway.
Write it down make it happen...I want an earth sheltered home, at least partially, or a home with a basement, but why have all of that stuff on top if it can just be blown away? If I build I'll be building an earth shelter, with a fireplace, that can be powered with solar and electric energy, I'll also keep a couple of BioChars but I've got to modify them so that I can cook on them... a cook surface, maybe make the chimney smaller than the diameter of a bundt cake pan...that could boil some water...Oh I don't know, thoughts, just thoughts. Got to be able to get the fuel cell out more easily too, to dump and snuff it, got to be able to make them stronger so they can withstand my roughing them up. I killed a chimney today.
No power for three days. When the electric guy came to my door yesterday around four in the afternoon to tell me that I would literally be the last house in the Buffalo area to get power, he was extremely apologetic.
I told him that I understood, that I'd most likely go to sleep when it got dark, and that I'd really like for them to lift the power lines so that I could get out of my driveway, but that if I really started feeling freaked out about it, I'd just get my wire cutters and cut through the wasted fence and leave through the neighbors yard, but most likely not. A weird sort of resignation had settled on me, and the candle light quiet felt good.
The day after the tornado Sam had power at his dad's but he wanted to come home. We spent the day without power, me sewing patches on my jeans and him reading a book and loathing it. I was really glad when Rachel and Arik asked him to stay with them, because he was grumpy and his allergies had him feeling miserable. It was just really cool of them. I had to stay here because of the insurance people, but I would have probably stayed anyway truthfully.
I don't mind being without power, what I do mind is depending on it so much. Gaa I loathe that my world can change so dramatically if the power is disrupted. I've got to look into solar panels for water heating, and I've got to do it soon too, right along with providing a cooking surface on the BioChar...but not tonight...I wanna get off of this machine, sit in my kitchen floor and play with mud. Tomorrow I'll finish throwing away all of that wasted food, a little at a time so I don't freak out as much for being so wasteful. I wasn't thinking or I could have had the kids bring out ice and packed my coolers...
Events happen and I can't help but feel more deeply the importance and fragility of human life, and it scares me, but to not feel scares me more.
"The ancients knew this would be the time of the "awakening"... It's when the info from the past re-surfaces as we move forward into our future..." Daniel "Whellan" Doud
Reviving old techniques that proved sound then and are still sound now, techniques that will save money and will improve the quality of our physical lives, and the life of the earth we spin on, ever so slowly, the spinning.
Tornadoes freak me out, and I'm partly thankful I slept through it, and I'm definitely thankful that Sam was with his dad that night. The tornado warnings slipped my mind. I'd been watching the weather at lunch on Monday and Tuesday, I knew that it was a possibility, and I let the information just go...somewhere. I can't do that when Sam's gonna be with me, and it's really best if I don't do it when I'm alone too, I know.
The tornado, it was so close, but left me sleeping in my bed unaware. Surreal.
I'm grateful to be alive.
Mitch, thinking that he needed to come over and make sure I was safe, by, I don't know? Getting in to the bathtub...where else would I go in this place? Knowing I'd most likely be passed out from my tylenol pms if Sam wasn't here, got in his car and drove right into a tornado to make sure I was okay. I hope he never does that again. Ever.
thank you God again for his safe landing.
and one person died, a mother, of three children, who was trying to open the door to the storm shelter. I pray for the repose of her spirit, and I pray that she didn't feel any pain, and I pray that she is in a safe place right now surrounded by love, and I pray for her children, and I mourn for her in a generic way because I didn't know her, but I do know her, because I am a woman too, and that mourning is specific, and so difficult not to feel when I let myself feel. The light and the dark. Does it really create a balance?
I know I'm lucky, we are lucky, and lucky is such a trite word, that can in no way describe how I feel right now, and it implies that I should feel celebratory, but feeling glad for my life while someone else lost theirs makes me feel sick inside, mother, mother please don't kill anyone else. I know it's your nature to be cruel sometimes, I know it's always been that way, but please, no more death right now. And I ask that knowing that natural acts will always take us, and all we can do is be better prepared, and I also feel that sometimes no amount of preparation can prevent nature from taking life.
My son was driving over to my house in the middle of a tornado because he knew that I would sleep right through it, and I did. When he called me at midnight fifteen, not realizing we were in a tornado, I was annoyed that he'd called.
Me: "What?"
He: "Mom are you alright? I mean you'll be alright now, man my head hurts, were you asleep?"
Me: "Yeah, it's midnight, of course I was asleep, why does your head hurt?"
He: "I just drove through a f ing tornado, it picked me up, spun me around and high centered me on somethin' and blew out all of my windows, I'm a little f ed up right now mom."
Me: "Where are you?"
He: "At Jessie's, I came to make sure you were okay and almost killed myself, but I'm alive, oh hell yes, I'm alive...I road a tornado...."
Me: "Is there anything I can do? To help you...what do you need for me to do?"
He: "When you get up in the morning don't just go stompin' out of the house, there's power lines down, and be ready, things looked pretty f ed up from here.
Me: "Okay. Love you."
He: "Love you too mom, go back to sleep."
Then it hit me, after Mike called, and Tracey called and Megan called and Rachel called, so I called him back and freaked out a little, because he could have been killed...and I told him I loved him again because I can't tell them that enough sometimes.
And this is one of those times.
If I can figure out how to pull out all of those posts, that fence is out a here. I've never liked fences anyway.
Write it down make it happen...I want an earth sheltered home, at least partially, or a home with a basement, but why have all of that stuff on top if it can just be blown away? If I build I'll be building an earth shelter, with a fireplace, that can be powered with solar and electric energy, I'll also keep a couple of BioChars but I've got to modify them so that I can cook on them... a cook surface, maybe make the chimney smaller than the diameter of a bundt cake pan...that could boil some water...Oh I don't know, thoughts, just thoughts. Got to be able to get the fuel cell out more easily too, to dump and snuff it, got to be able to make them stronger so they can withstand my roughing them up. I killed a chimney today.
No power for three days. When the electric guy came to my door yesterday around four in the afternoon to tell me that I would literally be the last house in the Buffalo area to get power, he was extremely apologetic.
I told him that I understood, that I'd most likely go to sleep when it got dark, and that I'd really like for them to lift the power lines so that I could get out of my driveway, but that if I really started feeling freaked out about it, I'd just get my wire cutters and cut through the wasted fence and leave through the neighbors yard, but most likely not. A weird sort of resignation had settled on me, and the candle light quiet felt good.
The day after the tornado Sam had power at his dad's but he wanted to come home. We spent the day without power, me sewing patches on my jeans and him reading a book and loathing it. I was really glad when Rachel and Arik asked him to stay with them, because he was grumpy and his allergies had him feeling miserable. It was just really cool of them. I had to stay here because of the insurance people, but I would have probably stayed anyway truthfully.
I don't mind being without power, what I do mind is depending on it so much. Gaa I loathe that my world can change so dramatically if the power is disrupted. I've got to look into solar panels for water heating, and I've got to do it soon too, right along with providing a cooking surface on the BioChar...but not tonight...I wanna get off of this machine, sit in my kitchen floor and play with mud. Tomorrow I'll finish throwing away all of that wasted food, a little at a time so I don't freak out as much for being so wasteful. I wasn't thinking or I could have had the kids bring out ice and packed my coolers...
Events happen and I can't help but feel more deeply the importance and fragility of human life, and it scares me, but to not feel scares me more.
Feb 27, 2012
Well blow me away...
"The ancients knew this would be the time of the "awakening"... It's when the info from the past re-surfaces as we move forward into our future..." Daniel "Whellan" Doud
Feb 26, 2012
Pete's birthday
Pete's 50th birthday.
It took forty five minutes for three waitresses to bring us water and menus. Then it was another thirty minutes before the chick took our order. In the mean time the cook yelled at our friends at the counter, because they were making too much noise. Weird and then when the fry brain, I mean waitress brought us our food it was stone cold and not fit to eat. We got there at three, and we were home at four thirty. Ugh. When we were waiting to get out check to pay one of the toasters blew up, shot sparks five feet in all directions and the toast popped out and landed on the table next to the register, the people sitting there had just finished asking me if we had any leftovers because I guess they were invisible to the waitresses too and they were hungry. When the toast landed on their table Bekka said, "Well there ya go..." And there we went. It was kind of funny.
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